Traversing Being Authentic…

A group of Blue Wildebeest (Connochaetes taurinus) rossing the Mara River during the Great Migration, Maasai Mara National Reserve, Rift Valley, Kenya, Africa
A group of Blue Wildebeest (Connochaetes taurinus) rossing the Mara River during the Great Migration, Maasai Mara National Reserve, Rift Valley, Kenya, Africa

Every year especially over the last 14 to 15 years I periodically notice my personal growth with overcoming mind set. I think mind set is a neutral way for considering what we base our choices on in life without placing blame. Ultimately we made the choices, we did it.

For a long time I used words like training, mind control, systems that created involuntary choices we make. Because the basic honest bottom line is that If we were really faced with the truth and took it in whole heartily we would stop making most of the choices we do.

There is a place here with me now that seems to be like some gap, counter energy flow, an unknown place that I recently found, have come to. It is not familiar place to me. I have been working toward just balance this last year. Balance in the big sense than the see saw we usual interact with, either this or that, bad or good, this system usually only has 2 sides with nothing in the middle, back and forth usually rapidly. Balance that I am interacting with can have 4 sides in sometimes 5, 6 or 7. Mostly 4 are constant.

Balance and a greater being of balance does require a huge amount of personal work. I have been shocked at how much so, but my old tendencies are to fall off my wheel, my resources side off the ends, or I give away energy / resources to everyone. No Matter What I get back to the center even if I have to make that in a crawl, climb or mental break down my focus has been to get back to the center of my wheel. My disadvantage has been of never having been in the center of my own wheel. Learning as I go.

I am offering a link here to my last blog about what I am learning about my personal wheel which I think might be a good read. The language of what I am learning in a deep way is complicated and no existent. You maybe, might read my writing with the eye/s of your heart to get a feeling for it and less about what it says or how it reads.

Okay I want to get to what I wanted to write about today, focus here. This place I have reached on the path, the RED ROAD if you will. This is the path of the finally crossing to the beginning of the relationship to the “real” or authentic self. Another path of discovery and quite possibly for me the scariest place I have ever been.

The door to your heart that finally comes off and jumping into the raging {water] energy stream. Yep, I am standing on the edge of a huge, fast flowing river, big waves, dangerous and a journey in real life most of us could not make if you had to. Yesterday I came across the River of change, just walked right up on it crossed my path. The river washed out my main path long ago. When I reached it, the sure intensity of it just created feelings of throwing in the towel, quitting, done, cannot mustard the energy to give it a good go anymore. Facing that river crossing my path was like the last thing I am feeling I can deal with right now.

Yesterday while I was contemplating the river, the crossing and if I was to toss myself off with no equipment, off the edge sink or swim, Live or Die! For about an hour I had this sense of me that is beyond the ins and outs, the day to day, I suspect some people call it the higher self. However, for me it was the authentic me without the connections to the things in the world. “Be in the world but not of it” might be the most accurate statement. What downloaded in me, the presence I was in that moment shifted me into a state at how insignificant it all is, like running from an angry bear with no end; Same thing day in and out. The understanding of being in two worlds but not attached to anything the one in which my body lives in. In a good way.

I have started my ascent down to the river bank, I began the process of getting ready to throw myself, full self into that river/energy stream, forever leaving the path I was on. Today I have a sense of excitement, adventure, a new journey close and closer to whom I am being.

Tomorrow may be the day, I jump in, I know it is close as I can feel the sadness, sorrow, unworthiness, worthlessness, hopelessness leaving me as if it was never there, never belonged to me the authentic me, but was very much a part of the doing everything right me.

Maybe having your heaven on earth “life” requires a full surrender tossing yourself into what you resist most? Pressing that edge they talk about in physical yoga where your pain and suffering are met.

When you get here or maybe you have been there sitting on that bank for a long time now, maybe your lifetime? I am putting Trust in you that you will make the right choice for yourself, your place of fully letting go maybe be more like a cross road or maybe you build a bridge to the other side? The most important thing I can say to you: you have to trust it and you have to trust yourself in a way that no matter what happens, even if you die that you are okay, everything is okay, it is your next transition, next raging river crossing your path. How long will it take you to jump with enthusiasm into the next adventure of self? Spirit is waking for you there.

Cow A Bunga Dude!

May you get past the charged, scared feelings, the panic that traps you, in a good way. May you toss yourself fully without restraint towards excitement and joy in a good way. May you, may you transmute the mental clutter into silence and knowledge in a good way.

Grow Food, Be Free and Live for a Living!

Failure or Time to Let GO…

failure letting go pic

Failure or Time to Let GO…
The last couple of months I have been tossing around feelings and mental processes in regards to what I seem to deem as failure/s on the road called My life. In this day many people spouting new age beliefs about there is no such thing as failure? Then why is it a deeply programmed system within us? Why does failure appear constantly in the back grounds of our minds playing out causing giant waves of guilt flowing over about everything we say, eat, do or even think?

On this road called my life I walk “The Path”, The Red Road which I have learned from teachers of the First Nations People’s of many tribes. The road unlike new age is not meant to make you feel good, it is meant to bring you into relationship with all that exists and the long term is to bring you into complete and total balance, to the center of your personal medicine or wheel. Unlike a see saw a wheel pivoting on the center can become extremely off balanced with a wrong step, even small.

Take a round disked object and place it in the tip of your little finger in the very middle section make sure the disk does not have a hole. The Cherokee tell us that our wheel is suspended in the universe from the four direction edges that anything can break the string attached to each direction. You can see that your place on the wheel in the middle takes awareness, stability, attention because in one minute the whole wheel can fall from its balanced place. When the wheel leans to one direction because we lose our ability to be in balance because we have “checked” out in some manner something has stolen and is holding our attention or energy away from the balanced place in the center of our wheel which was holding everything in relationship to us in balance. This cheese if you will, will slide of the cracker. You will then have to work very hard to get that piece of cheese not only back onto that cracker but you will have to do it with will / attention because you cannot step off to gather the experiences or cheese to put it back on, mostly you will not have the awareness or attention by practice needed to complete such a feat.

So now we have another issue that comes into play called: holding on. Holding on is not the same as balance or center. Holding on is a reaction to the world we live in when what we do, are taught does not exactly work in our big picture of keeping what we want. It happened by our attention being grabbed away from our self, our balance, our center and yes we allowed it by not having constant awareness. We may feel we have been caught off guard this is a figment of our illusion of blame. We choose for whatever reason to be pulled off or allow ourselves to be pulled off by what we may also be called drama. When we take a bold step towards what has grabbed our attention, the wheel leans and the experiences, resources, relationships scoot to the edge when we see this we stop where we are so that they do not fall off, that we do not loose them and we begin an old pattern of holding on to. We stay that way sometimes for an entire life, never either allowing things to fall off into the abyss or to take a step back into balance. Holding on is a reaction to loosing what we have, however it is our blame since we were the ones that created our person wheel to become so far out of balance as to allow things to slide off. In a balanced place on the center of our person wheel there is not loose or gain and there is plenty of room for everything along the circle of our wheel. Where our bundles of experiences, relationships, resources are placed by spirit during our life and when it becomes full then we pass gracefully on to live again with a new wheel to fill up. Holding on is a reaction to loosing something or someone.
If our ability cannot retain it, hold on to it then we move into failure pattern. If we did not want it then we can in some cases let go and if we choose to do nothing we hold on never doing anything else but that until we croak. Never moving forward, backwards or allowing new experiences. Having full possibilities and potential comes from being at the center of your personal wheel in balance with all your relations, your relationships to everything here in this world. In the biggest part of this relationship can, will include your relationship even to the grass you mow in your yard, you know the one we put toxic chemicals on every year which is a step out of balance with that grass, a step out of balance with the earth and a step out of balance in our families and pets health. We are out of balance all the time day in and out have zero awareness because we have NOT the ability to hold the attention necessary to be in balance at the center of our wheel which makes us an observer in balance with all relations. Even the grass pays when our wheel tips. When we want more and try to find ways to manipulate this world, control this world, to force this world for say more money causes a huge out of balance with all the relations. Something will have to be offered to create a new balance on the wheel from the force of say the money to be brought on the wheel in an unnatural way. Something will have to suffer in the re-balancing, there is always a trade. Maybe the health of your child slides off the wheel because to tipped it in the direction of more money. Eventually your child dies because of that weight and pull that drove to the manipulation to misuse our energy, our attention and the tipping of our personal wheel. By the way our Wheel can cause the tipping pivoting of the Earths personal wheel because all of OUR wheels along with all living things on her are her relations and experiences. First Nation people teach me that you take something, force something and something else will pay for it to adjust or attempt to adjust the wheel back into balance.

Of Course we want what we want in that minute, that week but is it worth it in the end? Most will never know because there is not enough awareness to understand what you are trying to get versus the consequences down the road and what must be giving up. Everything that comes to you in a balance way jives with what is already have on your wheel and in your life and extreme force, conjuring will changes everything I have seen it wipe a whole wheel off, the loose of everything. You may, all of sudden get a slice of consciousness, maybe even get a blink of understanding of what has been done, but the two main stay patterns still exist in you and the strongest is that of going into holding on, do not take another step please god save my kid, but still cannot connect all the dots or adopt a center of balance to full see that your desires, want an attempts to pull them on to your wheel tilting it started to erase the child’s life from your wheel, from your reality in attempt to balance it. Then there is the anger that emerges because GOD did not save your child, because you created an out of balance wheel and the health of your kid was traded for more money, a husband, a house, another drink and whatever else we desire. I know that this seems like such a harsh way to put it but it applies to anything and everything we have a relationship with. We could lose our home in the same manner.

Please remember that I am trying to write about something that I myself have had to learn and most of this teaching does not have a language, it comes in a transfer from the teacher to the student. If it sounds like one hand clapping kind of dialog and you cannot grasp it, please just let it simmer in you and maybe it will become something from in you down the road.

The New Ager’s like to tell us that the choice is between fear and love. It seems like a simple choice; however in my teachings of what I have been taught fear is a byproduct. That our choice is to always be in balance in the center of our wheel and that is that, there is nothing worldly to gain like love or fear, good or bad ceases to exist and becomes the truth of being and is what it is, without all the labels or mess, clutter that this world makes up and we assimilate into the subconscious mind.

When something shows up that steals our untrained attention and we react out of fear which is the byproduct it underwent the deeper layers of emotion we could say or unconscious behavior, our auto pilot default system first. The fear, savior, do something always is the first defense what we do not usually see or feel are the under working chemicals / emotions that when we build awareness and personal work with ourselves will show themselves. So we have fear which is the first defense, the next layer down is the anger, which can flare up if the fear activation, the do something does not hold up. Then we use the anger default program and usually whatever made it through can be stopped once we over react, become a nightmare or wild animal. However the deeper level that most people will never see unless they do some heavy personal work is the guilt. The anger trigger is such a strong one that it keeps anyone including ourselves from every seeing the guilt, ever. We may feel the guilt as panic attacks; I feel that most heart issues are related to the guilt program that is like a gene of some kind of genetic program within us.
We live in a way that we cannot see the guilt and in some cases there is simple no vocabulary for it, I have found in my own life that it is a societal workings and early on in your life the training of it came in looks, grunts and other non vocabulary behavior from everyone around you. Which makes it that much more complicated to bring into a frame work of understanding. This guilt not only triggers the holding on pattern but it also triggers that failure process in us and in some case the giving up which is basically no different than the holding on. Since both of them stop any progress in any direction for a length of time or life time. When we can start to notice, step into the guilt which means we are going to have to feel it, sit with it, we are not going to be able to our think through it, since it is a non verbal arrangement. Our choice to break through so that we may gain some kind of balance on our wheel in ourselves is to sit with the suffering of it, the panic of it and do nothing, offer no reaction and each time we do so we let go of it a bit more, the hold it has over us. How you came to this place does not matter, who is to blame does not matter those are reactions, illusions the subconscious needs to throw up to keep you from looking and dealing with the feeling of intensity that guilt is and the chemical triggers that our brain under goes whenever the system is breached by such things that expose it.

What I am attempting to offer here is that when we move into, we react to, we get stuck places of holding on or giving up in the process of failure that is a chemical trigger in the brain causing it to seem so much more that it is, we should sit, even lock yourself in a closet if you must, hold yourself, breath and let it go. When your wheel of life has been leaning so harshly to one side and the people, relationships, resources are sliding off the end or about to, just step back to the center, hold yourself and let go of whatever it is that may be gone now, that may have slide off and know that there is much more to add to your wheel of experiences today, tomorrow by keeping yourself aware, not giving up or holding on as reactions to failure and the inner guilt. I leave with a pray. As I know this process is walking straight up hill with no visible path kind. You have to find your own way and keep trying until your wheel is in full balance and you are the center of your personal wheel and personal universe.

May you continue to bring yourself to the center of your personal wheel in a good way. May you become balanced with all your relations in a good way. May you learn to hold your attention to the place of balance with in you, thus holding the balance for all things here in a good way. May you find your balance in a good way to hold a piece of balance for our precious Mother Earth before it is too late.
So it is, so shall it be, NOW! AHO

Grow Food, Be Free and Live For a Living,